I think the only perk of working and being out of school so far has been being able to request vacation time. I chose this week and a week in August, but will not be traveling. I always thought of vacations as a time to get away, but it seems that can only be achieved by the wealthy few, or by those who know how to save enough for a trip. Last year by this time, I was buying my tickets to NYC and I was so excited for my information session at the NYU Gallatin School. Fast forward a couple of months, and zoom in on me, with a borrowed laptop sitting at Starbucks writing my admissions essay a day before the deadline, then cut to me opening the rejection letter the day after my birthday.
And cut to today, and me reminiscing.
I can’t lie, I’m happy. I have a wonderful partner (4 months together on June 5) who loves absolutely everything about me, who trusts me, who shares the same interests as me and sees the world with my same eyes. I have a JOB, which is a privilege, considering the 17+% of unemployed in PR. I have a roof over my head even though I sometimes can’t buy groceries after paying the rent.
But things could be better. In my Utopian world I have a full-time job, I don’t have a roommate (I live with my partner in a humble one-bedroom apartment with small balcony) and today I’d be arriving at NYC or SanFran, or San Diego, calling my friends and telling them to meet me at 8pm after I check-in at the hotel.
But I’m stuck here for this week, and it’s raining and it just sucks. I look at the mosaic I’m making and I just get so frustrated that I don’t work on it (it’s been sitting there at 15% for three weeks). I try picking up a book and then start thinking of all the books I need to read and haven’t and drop the book again. I try writing but my fear of being passé makes me rip the page off. I used to have photography but I don’t know how to save for a camera due to my lack of making budget-friendly purchases. Working out has been my only outlet to drive my attention away from all these things and from the fact that I’m too scared to start looking for graduate schools again.
I hope this week brings me the peace I need to make decisions, to not be afraid of writing and making art. I have a wonderful partner and amazing friends that believe 100% in me, I just need to join them.